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Anonymous · 3d
Dad: Divorce Attorney Strikes again! Me: dad what the fuck are you talking about? Dad: oh shit sorry son, divorce attorney is the name of my shovel. Me: what Dad: Yup and he helped me with another case Me: OMG I'm calling the police Dad: I have another shovel named post-term abortion! Me: ....

Dad: Divorce Attorney Strikes again! Me: dad what the fuck are you talking about? Dad: oh shit sorry son, divorce attorney is the name of my shovel. Me: what Dad: Yup and he helped me with another case Me: OMG I'm calling the police Dad: I have another shovel named post-term abortion! Me: ....

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Anonymous · 3d
Me: where were you, bro? brother: beside you. Me: oh. Brother: ... then why are you still texting? Me: idk. Brother: your dumb... Me: I know that.

Me: where were you, bro? brother: beside you. Me: oh. Brother: ... then why are you still texting? Me: idk. Brother: your dumb... Me: I know that.

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funnyman3000 · 4d
Ex:I'll always want you :( Ex:Any relationship advice for me in another relationship? Me:Stay away from heaters. Ex:LOL.Why? Me:Because plastic melts. Ex:Haters gonna hate hate hate. Me:Heaters gonna heat heat heat heat. Plastics gonna melt melt melt melt melt.Bitches gonna bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. But I just fuck them all all all all. I fuck them all fuck them all. Ex:Fine you win.

Ex:I'll always want you :( Ex:Any relationship advice for me in another relationship? Me:Stay away from heaters. Ex:LOL.Why? Me:Because plastic melts. Ex:Haters gonna hate hate hate. Me:Heaters gonna heat heat heat heat. Plastics gonna melt melt melt melt melt.Bitches gonna bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. But I just fuck them all all all all. I fuck them all fuck them all. Ex:Fine you win.

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Anonymous · 7d
Me: i'm lost.. Mom: WHERE ARE YOU?! ARE YOU OKAY?! Me: mom... Mom: yes? Me: it's just a prank.. Mom: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Me: i'm lost.. Mom: WHERE ARE YOU?! ARE YOU OKAY?! Me: mom... Mom: yes? Me: it's just a prank.. Mom: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

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Anonymous · 9d
(talking about my bday party) Friend: I still haven't gotten your present

(talking about my bday party) Friend: I still haven't gotten your present

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Anonymous · 9d
(When I didn't have wifi so I couldn't Google) Me: How do you spell skitzophranic Me: You're my google Other: Schizophrenia I think. Think. Me: Thanks Google, Appreciate it. Other: Comma before google. Also, Capitalize Proper Nouns. Me: Thanks Auto-Correct

(When I didn't have wifi so I couldn't Google) Me: How do you spell skitzophranic Me: You're my google Other: Schizophrenia I think. Think. Me: Thanks Google, Appreciate it. Other: Comma before google. Also, Capitalize Proper Nouns. Me: Thanks Auto-Correct

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Anonymous · 10d
Mom: Me buy police Mom: Me buy Popeye's Me: Lol, autocorrect messed you up!

Mom: Me buy police Mom: Me buy Popeye's Me: Lol, autocorrect messed you up!

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Flarion · 11d
Girlfriend: This is not working, I am breaking up with you! Boyfriend:Too bad you will never find a man like me! Girlfriend: That's the point!

Girlfriend: This is not working, I am breaking up with you! Boyfriend:Too bad you will never find a man like me! Girlfriend: That's the point!

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Strangerbrad_11 · 11d
Mom: "you never go outside! All you do is text and text! Mom: "hello?" Mom: "fine, I'll just ignore you when you say that your hungry

Mom: "you never go outside! All you do is text and text! Mom: "hello?" Mom: "fine, I'll just ignore you when you say that your hungry

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DragonKingDrake · 12d
Me:mom how are babies born? Mom:i dunno ask your mom. Me:But you are my mom. Mom:YOU'RE ADOPTED!

Me:mom how are babies born? Mom:i dunno ask your mom. Me:But you are my mom. Mom:YOU'RE ADOPTED!

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Woow · 12d
Mom: you're adopted

Mom: you're adopted

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Anonymous · 13d
Me: Dude I just noticed that I'm three penises lighter. Me: I mean I'm three pounds lighter. Not penises. Friend: Thank god

Me: Dude I just noticed that I'm three penises lighter. Me: I mean I'm three pounds lighter. Not penises. Friend: Thank god

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Anonymous · 13d
Me: Dude I just found out that I'm three penises lighter. Me: I mean I'm three pounds lighter. Not penises. Friend: Thank god

Me: Dude I just found out that I'm three penises lighter. Me: I mean I'm three pounds lighter. Not penises. Friend: Thank god

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Anonymous · 13d
Friend: Hey how's your new room? Me: It's nice but I just found some hoes under the bed. Friend: What??? Me: OMG shoes!!! I found some shoes under the bed

Friend: Hey how's your new room? Me: It's nice but I just found some hoes under the bed. Friend: What??? Me: OMG shoes!!! I found some shoes under the bed

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Footyhead05 · 13d
Me: hey babe what you doing? Him: In bed going to sleep. You? Me: in the club right behind you.

Me: hey babe what you doing? Him: In bed going to sleep. You? Me: in the club right behind you.

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Anonymous · 13d
Me: babe do you love me? Him: Count how many stars they're are, that's how much I love you<3 Me: but it's daytime -_- Him: exactly.

Me: babe do you love me? Him: Count how many stars they're are, that's how much I love you<3 Me: but it's daytime -_- Him: exactly.

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Anonymous · 14d
Batman: I should probably go save the world Alfred: but master Wayne I made pancakes! Batman:but... Alfred: with syrup Batman: CRIME CAN WAIT PANCAKES AWAIT ME

Batman: I should probably go save the world Alfred: but master Wayne I made pancakes! Batman:but... Alfred: with syrup Batman: CRIME CAN WAIT PANCAKES AWAIT ME

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Anonymous · 14d
Me:I can not find my shoes mom bought me today. Dad:well where did you lose it Me:IT WOULD NOT BE LOST IF I KNEW WHERE IT WAS. dad:you are grounded for screaming at me Me:....

Me:I can not find my shoes mom bought me today. Dad:well where did you lose it Me:IT WOULD NOT BE LOST IF I KNEW WHERE IT WAS. dad:you are grounded for screaming at me Me:....

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Anonymous · 15d
me: mom im going to my friends brb mom: WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME BOOBS me: ... me: it means be right back mom:DONT LIE TO ME me:>_< mom: WHY DID YOU SEND A PAIR OF POINTY BOOBS ME:OH MY GOD ME:im going to my friends mom:DONT TALK TO ME ANYMORE YOU ARE GROUNDED ME:ok bye

me: mom im going to my friends brb mom: WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME BOOBS me: ... me: it means be right back mom:DONT LIE TO ME me:>_< mom: WHY DID YOU SEND A PAIR OF POINTY BOOBS ME:OH MY GOD ME:im going to my friends mom:DONT TALK TO ME ANYMORE YOU ARE GROUNDED ME:ok bye

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Anonymous · 16d
Me: I can't find my phone. Mum: Oh no! Did you check the closet? Me: i am a fucking idiot

Me: I can't find my phone. Mum: Oh no! Did you check the closet? Me: i am a fucking idiot

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