Dad: Divorce Attorney Strikes again! Me: dad what the fuck are you talking about? Dad: oh shit sorry son, divorce attorney is the name of my shovel. Me: what Dad: Yup and he helped me with another case Me: OMG I'm calling the police Dad: I have another shovel named post-term abortion! Me: ....
Me: where were you, bro? brother: beside you. Me: oh. Brother: ... then why are you still texting? Me: idk. Brother: your dumb... Me: I know that.
Ex:I'll always want you :( Ex:Any relationship advice for me in another relationship? Me:Stay away from heaters. Ex:LOL.Why? Me:Because plastic melts. Ex:Haters gonna hate hate hate. Me:Heaters gonna heat heat heat heat. Plastics gonna melt melt melt melt melt.Bitches gonna bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. But I just fuck them all all all all. I fuck them all fuck them all. Ex:Fine you win.
Me: i'm lost.. Mom: WHERE ARE YOU?! ARE YOU OKAY?! Me: mom... Mom: yes? Me: it's just a prank.. Mom: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
(talking about my bday party) Friend: I still haven't gotten your present
(When I didn't have wifi so I couldn't Google) Me: How do you spell skitzophranic Me: You're my google Other: Schizophrenia I think. Think. Me: Thanks Google, Appreciate it. Other: Comma before google. Also, Capitalize Proper Nouns. Me: Thanks Auto-Correct
Mom: Me buy police Mom: Me buy Popeye's Me: Lol, autocorrect messed you up!
Girlfriend: This is not working, I am breaking up with you! Boyfriend:Too bad you will never find a man like me! Girlfriend: That's the point!
Mom: "you never go outside! All you do is text and text! Mom: "hello?" Mom: "fine, I'll just ignore you when you say that your hungry
Me:mom how are babies born? Mom:i dunno ask your mom. Me:But you are my mom. Mom:YOU'RE ADOPTED!
Mom: you're adopted
Me: Dude I just noticed that I'm three penises lighter. Me: I mean I'm three pounds lighter. Not penises. Friend: Thank god
Me: Dude I just found out that I'm three penises lighter. Me: I mean I'm three pounds lighter. Not penises. Friend: Thank god
Friend: Hey how's your new room? Me: It's nice but I just found some hoes under the bed. Friend: What??? Me: OMG shoes!!! I found some shoes under the bed
Me: hey babe what you doing? Him: In bed going to sleep. You? Me: in the club right behind you.
Me: babe do you love me? Him: Count how many stars they're are, that's how much I love you<3 Me: but it's daytime -_- Him: exactly.
Batman: I should probably go save the world Alfred: but master Wayne I made pancakes! Batman:but... Alfred: with syrup Batman: CRIME CAN WAIT PANCAKES AWAIT ME
Me:I can not find my shoes mom bought me today. Dad:well where did you lose it Me:IT WOULD NOT BE LOST IF I KNEW WHERE IT WAS. dad:you are grounded for screaming at me Me:....
me: mom im going to my friends brb mom: WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME BOOBS me: ... me: it means be right back mom:DONT LIE TO ME me:>_< mom: WHY DID YOU SEND A PAIR OF POINTY BOOBS ME:OH MY GOD ME:im going to my friends mom:DONT TALK TO ME ANYMORE YOU ARE GROUNDED ME:ok bye